The No-Problem Problem (DN 9/20/99), "What is the optimal footwear design that would allow Minnesota Governor and former professional wrestler Jesse the Body Ventura to jump from a 10-ft platform into a large vat of uncooked Grade A white eggs and guarantee that none of the eggs would crack or break?" resonated with many of our readers. Here's a sampling of some of the best responses.
Letterman's top ten
With all apologies to David Letterman, here are the top ten reasons why this no-problem problem cannot be solved:
10. The height of the eggs in the vat is undetermined.
9. The number of the eggs in the "large vat" is undetermined
8. The egg resistance to cracking is unspecified.
7. The type of eggs is not given: chicken, penguin, alligator.
6. The color of eggs is not stated: in case there's any correlation to cracking.
5. Jesse's weight is not indicated.
4. Unable to determine if Jesse will jump up, out, or down from the platform.
3. The size of the vat is not given: perhaps Jesse will not fit into the vat and he'll never reach the eggs.
2. The political affiliation of the eggs is not stated: Republican eggs from the "other" party would not wish to support Jesse on any platform and would crack "just to spite" him.
1. And, the number one reason is that the eggs will crack and break before Jesse makes his jump. The cause of the eggs' cracking will be out of the sheer terror and fright that the eggs will experience just from seeing Jesse poised above them on the platform getting ready to jump. The power of intimidation can be an awesome force! Without unnecessary analytical details, the eggs would go into a shaking frenzy at the sight of Jesse poised above them, and with sufficient quantity of eggs, some would achieve their natural vibrating frequency and would commence self-destruction. The chain reaction would be quite spectacular.
This problem can't be solved because Jesse the Body Ventura is quiet and unassuming, and would never do anything that would bring attention to himself--especially something as inane as jumping into a vat of eggs.
He'll float instead
The answer is quite simple. The eggs won't break or crack because the governor will never land in them. His rhetoric illustrates how full of hot air he really is. Just like a hot-air balloon, when he leaps from the platform and attempts to jump into the vat, he'll just float up. No impact, no scrambled eggs. Sorry.
Union Metal Corp.
Feet don't touch ground
Sad to say, but our beloved governor's ego has ballooned to such an extent that his feet no longer touch the ground. Thus, there is no basis to prefer any type of footwear over another.
St. Anthony, MN
He has foot-in-mouth disease
Seeing how Jesse the Body Ventura has always got his foot in his mouth, no footwear design is feasible. With his foot in his mouth, and his ego-inflated head, after jumping from the platform he would rotate 180 degrees and land in the eggs headfirst, crushing every egg. Furthermore, after some of the comments he has made recently, the hole he has dug for himself is so deep that a 10-ft platform wouldn't even get him to the surface.
Design News reader
The Ventura Effect
This problem cannot be solved because regardless of whatever footwear Jesse has on, whatever he does or whatever he says, he falls flat on his face! It is theorized that this is similar to a clown filled with air and weighted feet that always stands upright after being knocked flat, due to its low center of gravity. However, Jesse's center of gravity is very close to his large head (presumably due to an immense ego), causing a reversal of the upright position (this may explain why he took so many falls during his wrestling career). With a free-falling body, the drag area associated with the center of gravity determines attitude during descent. In Jesse's case, his descent attitude closely resembles that of a birdie used in the game of badminton--head first. Therefore, footwear is irrelevant since he will always land on his head (commonly referred to as the "Ventura Effect").
A Design News reader from Minnesota and weak-minded church goer